The Classic and Timeless Guide To Happiness Through Kindness
Finding Happiness Your Unfinished Life Lawrence J. Danks (ISBN 978-0-615-24207-1)
The following are author responses to interview questions used as the basis of the article: "South Jersey Face: Lawrence J. Danks" - CourierPostOnline, October 19,2008. It provides further insight and more detailed responses than those contained in the article.
Interview Question Responses You write that you grew up in a funeral home, which taught you that life is short. What was it like to grow up in a place often filled with grief and sadness? While I saw grief and sadness, our family life was good and secure. I don't think it necessarily taught me that life was short, at least in the real world sense. For those who believe in an eternity though, taking the long view, life is short indeed. What growing up in a funeral home taught me was what my father used to say frequently, that when it's our time, it's our time. For some, that is far earlier than we expect, and it can cause great sadness, but at those times it's just important to realize that it may be for a reason, which sometimes we can't begin to fathom. Sometimes that becomes clear later. Sometimes it never does. At times like that, faith and trust in God, support of our friends and family, and believing that we will see our loved ones again, can give us much needed support. As Benjamin Franklin noted in a letter of consolation to a relative, a table is set at which we all have a place. For reasons unknown to us, some are called there before others, but in time, we will all follow and be together again. What makes you happy? Many things can make us happy. Positive psychologists note that there is a difference between happiness, and gratification and fulfillment. The former is more short term, the latter more long lasting and affecting. It makes me happy to be with my wife and people I care about, to go out to dinner and to travel, particularly in France, Canada and New England. But what really counts is to be fulfilled by having close relationships with those who are important in our lives, by trying to motivate my college students to develop a focus in their lives, and being able to do things to help other people, even small things. Mother Teresa had a great deal to say about doing small things, which I mention in the book. It also makes me feel fulfilled to try to make the most out of my own unfinished life and to have written the book to try to help others make the most of theirs. One thing about an unfinished life - we all have one. What’s important is what we do with the rest of it. You share stories of your parents and their kindness to others. Were your parents happy people? My parents were kind to my sister and me and to many others. They were also very positive. My mother did a lot of charitable work and my father was in a unique position as a funeral director to help people at times of great loss in their lives. They were both very good and caring in what they did. They were supportive in my sister's life and mine and gave us both a great sense of security. I think the greatest gift they gave us however was a real belief in faith. If someone can believe that, no matter what happens in life, you know you're never alone, that nothing lasts forever, and that you'll get through any problem over time, sometimes greatly improved and strengthened as a result of it. Why do you think so many people can’t figure out how to be happy? Life is very complex today. Most people don't grow up in country villages where life in the past appeared far simpler. Two wage earners having to work in households, long commutes, stressful traffic, financial problems, ill health, drug abuse, alcohol problems, “climbing ladders then finding out they’re up against the wrong wall” (Joseph Campbell), and on and on. There are many distractions to having the peace in our lives that we would like to have. Some of it can be caused by too much focus on the wrong things, or putting it on ourselves and our own egos. In all the happiness books I've read, putting the focus on others, instead of ourselves and material things, is a common theme. Extending kindness and service to others to find fulfillment, which is the premise of my book, is consistent with that. There must be a lot of opportunities to be kind to others right now, especially given the state of our economy. Do you see any other silver linings in this cloud? There are always opportunities to be kind, even when we have problems ourselves. Naturally, current conditions provide even more opportunities. In one of the chapters in the book, I suggest "40 Ways To Be Kind". People are very creative and have their particular callings. Anyone could come up with many more ways of their own. There are always silver linings. Even with something as tragic as 9/11, people were given unprecedented opportunities to step up to the plate to assist others. Sometimes too, what we see as our greatest problems may turn out to be a blessing in the long run. For example, someone may lose his/her job, but ultimately find a far better one that will allow them to spend more time with their family and doing other things that are important to them. Sometimes having to go to the hospital because of an auto accident might lead to the discovery of a life threatening illness that otherwise might have gone undetected. Life is full of such silver linings. You cite the teachings on kindness from a number of religious traditions, belief systems and authors. What struck you the most about their common call to be kind? I didn't start out writing the book with the intention of being religiously inclusive, but my reading just led me in that direction. I found sage pieces of advice from many traditions. The book has dozens of quotations. I've always been very fond of quotations. I find them to be great distillations of wisdom. The Dalai Lama noted that kindness was a common element in all religions. There are many who don't believe in God or organized religion. However, kindness and the benefits of it are not limited to religious believers. Anyone of any faith, or of none, can share kindness with others and be the recipient of it. Those ethics are found in any good person. There shouldn't be any litmus tests for extending kindness. As I quotedJean Guibert in my book, regarding kindness "wherever there is misery, there it speeds." I don't look at the book as being a religious book, but one with a broader spiritual message that can help anyone enjoy a more fulfilling life. Your Unfinished Life is available through Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble,Books_A-Million, Ingram, Baker&Taylor, Amazon.co.uk and all major booksellers. The first page of this website provides direct access to this book's Book Page with a number of major distributors.